Worst Case Scenario
by Thephoenix
Summary: J.R.R. Tolkien slaved for years to create his masterpiece: The Lord of the Rings. Millions of people read and enjoyed it. But one day, the book fell in to the wrong hands. The time has come, Tolkien. The parody is on.
1. Chapter One--Leaving the Shire

Worst Case Scenario  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the preceding characters in this story, with the exception of myself. The all-night J.R.R. Tolkien is the owner of every character, except for Maniac, Galadriel Golden, and Thephoenix.Maniac and Galadriel Golden own themselves. They know who they are. The movie is owned by....I don't know. Wingnut Productions??? Peter Jackson??? Not me.  
  
Chapter One  
  
It seemed ages since young Frodo Baggins last saw Gandalf the Grey, and now he was back, speaking with great worry in his voice of the Ring his dear Uncle Bilbo had left him. As Gandalf spoke, the rhyme played in his head over and over, "One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them, One Ring to bring them and in the darkness bind them." Suddenly everything seemed different to Frodo. Little did he know before now that had his previous conversations with Gandalf concerning the Ring been written in text, the first letter of the word "ring" would have been capitalized. Terror flooded his mind as he heard a rustling in the bushes. Gandalf struck whatever it was on the head and dragged it in.  
  
Samwise Gamgee. A dear friend to Frodo, and his gardener as well. As Sam tried as hard as possible to apologize to Gandalf, Frodo thought he heard a faint whispering.  
  
"Shut up!" one voice said to another two, who appeared to be violently laughing. Now Frodo was sure of it. The bush had moved. "Who's there?" he called, try not too sound frightened. "Oh crap!" one of the voices shouted, followed by the other two yelling "Shut UP!" in unison. Frodo walked to the window, slowly and dramatically, and moved some branches from the bush, to reveal three girls. Frodo screamed and fell backwards. Gandalf snatched up these three as he had Sam. "Great work," one of the girls said, glaring at another. "Don't blame me!" the other girl, whom the glare had been directed towards retorted, "She's the one who moved the bush!" "Hey!" the third yelled, elbowing the second in the stomach. "ENOUGH!" Gandalf shouted. Each of them ceased their arguing, turned to the Grey Wanderer and in unison said "What?" "Who are you, and what is your business in these parts, eavesdropping on others' private conversations?" "I wasn't droppin' no eaves, sir!" the second girl said, imitating Sam. After being shushed by the other two, the first girl sat up, and did he best to look elegant, despite the twigs and leaves tangled into her hair, "We are but three young maidens, each human. And we weren't spying. We were merely trying to capture him"—she gestured towards Sam—"For we believed him to be a thief."  
  
The third girl nodded approvingly and said "Better than my excuse." "As to who we are," the second began, "Well, we are simply commoners, nothing more. We....ran out of sugar and tea leaves. We hail from Forlindon. I am Phoenix, and my companions are—" "Maniac." The second girl answered, cutting off her companion off. "I don't like the sound of that...." Sam whispered to Frodo. "And I," the first girl said, "Am Galadriel-Golden." "What did you here?" Frodo said slowly. "Nothing important! Well, something about a Ring, and a Dark Lord, and the end of the world...." Phoenix yet again imitated Sam, who glared at her. "I suppose they must go as well." Gandalf said. "Great!" Maniac began, "Prancing Pony. Sounds nice." "Do they have a few cups of sugar to spare?" Phoenix broke in. "And tea leaves!" Galadriel-Golden joined in. "Something," Sam whispered to Frodo "gives me a feeling this is going to be a long trip."  
  
  
  
The five were silent as they traveled. There was much banter between the three girls, "Oh, I like these guys! They're shorter than me!" Galadriel-Golden had said giddily. "I know!" Phoenix had agreed, "I'm a full two feet above these guys. And they're in their twenties." Frodo and Sam had corrected them, telling them that they were both around the age of fifty. This they were in awe at, which lead much talk from them of "How they must like coffee, and it's stunted their growth." Eventually, Frodo and Sam became aggravated and yelled at them. They then fell silent, until finally, Sam spoke up. "This is it," he said, "If I take one more step, this will be the farthest from home I've ever been." "Oh, don't be such a baby!" Phoenix said, pushing him, and cause him to fall forward. She was then smacked by Galadriel-Golden. "Oh, fine." She said helping Sam up, "Take about three steps back and do your little 'dramatic moment.'" She then mumbled to herself, "Wimp."  
  
Later on, they found themselves in a cornfield. "You know this reminds me of?" Phoenix began, "That giant hedge maze in Harlindon. I remember it took me hours to get out...." "Mr. Frodo? FRODO! Don't leave me alone with THEM!" "I'm right here Sam, don't wor—" Frodo was cut off as two others about their size, holding bundles of vegetables ran into them-- literally. "Frodo." One of them said, a heavy accent on his voice, "Merry, look! It's Frodo Baggins." "No shit, Sherlock." Phoenix retorted. Sam noticed the vegetables, then. "You've been into Farmer Maggot's crop!" "His last name is Maggot?" Galadriel-Golden asked with curiosity. "Poor him." Maniac said. That was when the hobbits noticed the scythe heading towards them, and ran into the cornfield. "Hey!" Maniac shouted, "They're ditching us!" The three girls then followed quickly.  
  
The hobbits stood on a cliff's edge, thankful they had not fallen. Well, no yet anyway. The three girls did not see the cliff, and rammed them. They all tumbled down the cliff, dog piling each other. "Well, that was fun." Galadriel-Golden said sarcastically. "It was.... A short cut." Merry said. "To what?" Sam said, as he extracted a broken carrot from under him. "Mushrooms!" Pippin shouted, scrambling to run to them, but was pushed to the ground by both Sam and Merry. "Marshmallows!" the three girls said in unison, running towards the mushrooms. "So...." Merry began as he greedily shoved mushrooms into an empty bag, "Who would you ladies be?" "Phoenix." "Maniac." "Galadriel-Golden." The girls said quickly, focused on the duty at hand. "Well," Merry, taking a moment to extend a hand (which they firmly shook) to greet them. "I am Meriadoc Brandybuck of the Shire, more commonly known as Merry. And this is..." Merry gestured to Pippin, who was captivated by his mushrooms. After a short pause, a grinning Merry kicked Pippin in the ribs. "Ow....oh." He said, now noticing the three girls. His cheeks were shoved full with mushrooms and he found some trouble speaking. "Pewegwin Took"—he then swolled the remaining mushrooms—"Peregrin. Erm....I prefer Pippin." "Hey...." Phoenix said, curiously, "If Middle-Earth is composed of people strictly from England, with no way for anyone else from the outside world to enter, then why does he have a Scottish accent?" Before anyone had a chance to answer or even think about the question, Frodo shouted, "Get off the road!" and they rushed under a tangle of tree roots.  
  
The black rider on the road above them crouched over the group of tree roots. Galadriel-Golden cringed as centipedes fell to the ground next to them and struggled not to scream. Sam reached over and slapped Frodo's wrist as he considered putting the Ring on his finger. Merry and Pippin were fighting over the sack of mushrooms, until they noticed the dark figure looming above them. Merry thought quickly and grabbed at the mushroom sack, planning to throw it. Pippin clutched it to his breast and shook his head feircely. The two began fighting over this now and to resolve conflict, Maniac grabbed it. As a result, Merry used all his might to grab her and throw her. "Holy...." Maniac shouted, and quickly scrambled up a tree. The black rider distracted by the figure struggling up to the top of a tree, the hobbits and two humans ran. The rider sniffed at something, hen turned to mount its steed, giving Maniac her chance to catch up.  
  
The group rejoined within moments, Maniac being an exceptionally fast runner. "That black rider was after something." Merry said, his gaze piercing Frodo down to his soul. "What are you staring at me for?" Frodo tried to be quiet; "It's not like I know what it is!" Merry's gaze still seemed to dig holes in to Frodo.  
  
This lasted for quite a while, and finally, everyone was fed up with his over-dramatic starring. "CAN WE GET THIS OVER WITH?" the Rider yelled, "I haven't got ALL DAY! I mean, I AM an undying being....but STILL!" "Oh....right, sorry." Merry said, stared for a second or two more, and said sternly  
  
"BuckleburyFerry."  
  
"Huh?" Phoenix looked extremely confused. "Far fig Newton!" Galadriel- Golden shouted, imitating the fact that Merry was making absolutely no sense. "Just shut up and run!" he demanded. Well, they did, of course. They seemed to be nearing some kind of a harbor.... "Oh...." Phoenix thought allowed, "He meant a FERRY. I get it now...." Pippin, Sam, and Maniac, obviously being faster than everyone else, had already boarded the raft soon followed by Merry and Galadriel-Golden. Phoenix dawdled, staring at Frodo and the Rider behind him. "You're so slow." She said to the hobbit, "Slow!" She then began tossing small pebbles at his head. "Ow! Quit it!" "Oh, right, the Ring thingy." She then grabbed his hand and flung him onto the raft, jumping on herself after him. "How far to the next dock?" Frodo panted. "Brandywine bridge." Was Merry's reply. "Say," Gally said, "I'm kinda hungry. Whatever happened to those marshmallows?" Pippin gasped. "NOT THE MUSHROOMS! NOOO!" and he filled the night with his pained cries.  
  
"Hey...." Maniac began after a long silence as the traveled down the river, "Weren't we supposed to run into some guy an his wife? Tom Something?" "NO!" Gally shouted, almost immediately. Another extensive pause followed. "You know what?" Phoenix said, breaking the silence, "We should pass the time by doing something.... I' know, we can sing! Ob la di, ob la da life goes on, wooah, lalala life goes oon!" "NO!" the four hobbits said in unison, and all were grateful when they reached Brandywine Bridge only moments later, spared from Phoenix's non-existent singing voice.  
  
A/N—So what did you think??? Love it??? Hate it??? Either way, I'm gonna continue it, but I'd like some feedback, please!!! Be kind rewind....I mean review.... 


	2. Chapter Two--the Bree/Orthanc (revised!!...

Chapter Two  
  
A/N: SORRY!!! I forgot to spell check this before I posted it. This version is edited. Sorry about the misspellings and stuff.  
  
While the seven made their way to the village of Bree, the wizard Gandalf went to Orthanc consult his superior. It did not go well.  
  
"Well, I've got this really pretty rock thing...." Saruman had said, "Y'know, a palintir. We can.... Um.... Look to it for the answers." "You're off your nut. For all we know, Sauron himself could be using another one. You're insane." Gandalf had replied. "Oh AM I? AM I? Sauron is an ALL- POWERFUL lord! You here me? WISE AS WELL! For all we know, he knows the reason hot dogs come in packages of six and hot dog buns come in packages of eight!" "SARUMAN!" Gandalf now realized the horrible truth, and rushed for the door, which Saruman telepathically closed. He two began to brawl, dropping their staffs and pulling each other's horribly long hair. Saruman's grip slipped and he fell to the ground. "My GOD your hair's greasy!" he said as he reached for his staff. Gandalf, who had fell against a wall, had a smooth trail of blood pouring from a small cut on his head. Saruman took advantage of this opportunity and sent the Grey Wanderer spiraling upward to the highest peak of Orthanc.  
  
"What brings you here?" a voice chimed in Gandalf's ear. "Saruman has.... Gone to the other side." He mumbled. "Yeah...." the voice said, "That's just slightly obvious. So.... Who are you?" "I am Gandalf the Grey, once great wizard, but now...." he looked over the edge of the tower with pain in his eyes, "Now I can do nothing." "Hm. I'm Jewels. I was picking berries in that field that Saruman's tearing apart"—she gestured toward the orcs who vigorously ripped trees up from their roots—"When this orc saw me. Only female orc I've ever seen. Well, she knocked me out and.... here I am." Gandalf looked to the girl, her hair dark, slightly laighter in some areas, probably bleached from the sun. Her skin was a slightly dark tone, her eyes a dark brown. Her eyes were full of luster and life. His were old, and sad. "Is this banishment a popular form of torture? Does Saruman use it often?" "Yes, very. When I came there were more than six people up here. Some of them jumped off the edge, and a couple of them kind of.... Forgot that they can't levitate."  
  
  
  
"'Ello, sir, an' welcome to the Prancin' Pony! My name'd be Butterbur, might I ask yours?" Frodo paused breifly, but Maniac interjected before he could reply, saying "Put us under 'Ima Puesydomn.'" "Don't do that!" Frodo smacked her arm lightly, "Underhill. The name's Underhill." "Well, sir, I got a nice hobbit-sized room for ye, but what 'bout the ladies?" "They'll sleep on the floor." Sam answered, "By the by, you wouldn't have happened to see a man called Gandalf, have you?" "Gandalf…. Oh! Big child…." "I wouldn't call him a child, he's rather old." "Big gray beard? Haven't seen him in months." Sam looked shocked, and Frodo confused. An over-exaggerated gasp was uttered from some one, and the seven went into the tavern.  
  
Minutes later, six of the seven, with the exception of Meriadoc, sat a table, sipping at some form of ale. The girls were at first skeptical, whispering to each other something about minors and alcohol, but they willing drank. Merry came, and sat down next to Merry, clutching a larger mug in his hands.  
  
"What's that?" Pippin asked. "This, my friend," Merry replied, looking at his mug with great lust in his eyes, "Is a pint." "They serve it in pints?" Pippin seemed giddy; "I'm getting one." "Don't they serve it in pints everywhere?" Gally asked the others as Pippin scampered toward the bar. Frodo and Sam continued their conversation, oblivious to the fact that anyone else was there.  
  
"That fella's been staring at you the whole time." Sam said, gesturing to a mysterious looking man, decked out in robes, smoking at a pipe. "How can you tell?" Frodo remarked, "We can't even see his eyes under that robe." "Lucky guess I suppose, but that little bloke next to him has been looking about, and staring directly at and mumbling something." Frodo now notice the "little bloke" of which Sam spoke. Next to the mysterious robed-covered man sat a scrawny creature very pale and extremely bony. Spectacles sat on the bridge of his nose, and an odd glint was in his eyes as he murmured things to himself. Frodo was not sure of his spices, but he looked to be some sort of human-like being suffering from extreme malnutrition.  
  
Frodo silently hailed Butterbur over to their table and asked who they were. "Oh, tha's one o' them Rangers. Dangerous blokes, they are. An' the little bugger next to him is some sort of servant, I suppose. They entered together, the little fella caring all of the Ranger's things." Suddenly, from over near the bar, Frodo heard a drunken Pippin say "Oh, I know a Baggins. FRODO BAGGINS, from the SHIRE. He's RIGHT OVER AT THAT TABLE!" Remarkably, everyone else ignored the hobbit's drunken ramblings and continued their conversation.  
  
However, Frodo shouted "PIPPIN!" and ran in his companion's direction. As he ran, he noticed that one of the drunks couldn't hold as many mugs as his companion, and slipped over the filthy vomit. Somehow, the Ring flew from his pocket, and mysteriously landed on his finger. He saw everything around him in a white-ish blue colour. Suddenly, he saw a figure come shooting towards him. It was a mop, apparently meant for the vomit. Suddenly, an eye encircled in a ring of fire appeared before him, mumbling something in a hideous language. Frodo ripped the Ring from his finger, and smacked the man mopping his forehead.  
  
The Ranger that had sat the corner came running toward him, and scooped him up, lifting him by his shirt collar. "You draw far too much attention to yourself." He growled, tossing Frodo up the stairs. "Who are you?" Frodo asked, panting for no apparent reason, as the Ranger threw him into a room. "Didn't you already ask that Butterbur fellow the same question?" "Why does everyone in the Bree say 'fellow'?" The Ranger quickly changed the subject, "Are you frightened?" "Um.... Sure. I mean.... Why not?" "Not nearly frightened enough, I know what hunts you." "I SAID I was frightened, isn't that enough for you?"  
  
Suddenly, the door burst open, and the boy who had sat next to the Ranger entered. "Master....Ara—Erm—STRIDER! The others! They're coming!" Shortly after, the remaining six burst through the door, Merry brandishing a candle, Pippin a chair, and Sam his own fist. "Let him go or we'll....WE'LL RIP YOU A NEW ONE!" Sam shouted. The girls enter, and Phoenix ran over to Strider's servant thrusting him into a choke-hold. "Surrender the hobbit or your lackey gets it!" Maniac shouted. Strider strolled over to Sam and patted his shoulder "You've a stout heart little one." "HEY!" Gally shouted, "What about us?" Strider stood oblivious to the girls, smiling at Sam. Um....hello? Your faithful lackey in a choke-hold over here!" "Oh....right....let him go." The Ranger commanded.  
  
The nine riders in black neared the walls to the village of Bree, knocking down the doors, and trampling over the old man who had graded the gates. As they road further into the village, he faintly mumbled "I'm OKAY!" The nine dismounted and entered the Prancing Pony. Butterbur cowered in a corner, clutching a teddy bear and whispering to himself "There's no place like home, there's no place like....wait! This is home! There's no place like anywhere-other-than-home...." Sir Robin, who had left Monty Python's quest for the Holy Grail briefly to grab a drink, yet again personally wet himself. The nine walked stealthily up into the Hobbit's room, loomed over their beds briefly and stabbed feircely, chanting to themselves:  
  
Find the Halfing (stab, stab) Kill the Halfing (stab, stab) Bring Master the Ring (stab, stab) Get some tea when we're through (stab, stab)  
  
They found nothing but a lot of feathers, and left in a fit of anger.  
  
"....Cashew, pecan, Brazil nut, and peanut." Jewels ended triumphantly, "I told you I could never every type of nut there is." "The peanut is a legume, and the Brazil nut is actually a seed." Gandalf said wearily. He caught a moth as it flew by, whispered something to it, and released it. "No kidding? The Brazil nut isn't even a nut? Hmmm....I'll have to rethink this whole nut thing....maybe I should have memorized every type of berry. Let's see....blue berry, raspberry, black berry, huckleberry...."  
  
  
  
"....So these guys are the Nazgul?" Frodo said attempting to understand Strider's explanation, "And they used to be humans....Hmmm...." "Who are you?" Sam poked at the Ranger's companion, who poked back, made an odd sound, and moved his bony fingers. "Perhaps I should say WHAT are you?" "I am quite human." He began, "The Great Goose, by name. Servant to Strider, the Ranger, and exile of the land of Gondor." "Exile?" Merry, who hadn't said anything in quite a while, remarked. "Why were you exiled?" Pippin, who hadn't uttered a word in the longest of time either, questioned. "I dare not say." The Goose mumbled, "NOW SLEEP! There is a long road...." "AHEM!" Strider cleared his throat loudly. "Oh...." The Goose glared at him, "That's right....YOU'RE supposed to say that." "There is a long road ahead of us tomorrow, and you will need your strength." 


	3. Chapter Three--Battle of Weathertop

Chapter Three  
  
The march began, and Strider informed them that they were headed for Rivendell. "You hear that, Mr. Frodo? Rivendell! We're going to see the elves!" Sam said excitedly. Frodo put on a nice smile and said to him "Yes, Sam! Isn't it wonderful?" yet under his breath he murmured "Naaaw, I thought we were going to see pixies in Rivendell." They rested only occasionally when they camped in the evening and for a while in the morning, usually longer than expected due to the laziness of Phoenix and Gally.  
  
One morning, the Hobbits began to prepare food. Phoenix sat near them, demanding that they hurry up. Gally sat near by, but said nothing, while Aragorn, Maniac, and the Goose began to trek onward. Aragorn turned when he noticed the others weren't following. "What are you doing?" he asked them. "We're having breakfast." Pippin replied. "But you've already had it." "We've had one, yes, but what about second breakfast?" Now Gally and Phoenix were giddy with laughter. "I don't think he knows about second breakfast, Pip." Merry told his friend. "Isn't it called brunch?" the Goose corrected them. Pippin was still devastated. "What about elevensies? Luncheon? Afternoon tea? Dinner? Supper? He knows about those, right?!" Maniac shrugged, and followed Aragorn, whom she trusted and was slowly becoming good friends with. Pippin stood, bewildered that he had been denied his second breakfast. An apple flew towards he and Merry, who caught it. Apple in hand, Merry patted Pippin's arm and  
walked on. Another came towards Pippin though distracted, he missed it and Phoenix caught it. "I GUESS I can stand having only one breakfast," she said as she stared at the apple. She then tossed it toward Pippin and it hit him in the head.  
  
"We will rest here." Strider announced as they reached a great ruin atop a hill. "Why should we listen to you?" Phoenix glared defiantly; "How do we know you won't take the Ring and keep it for yourself?" "He's kinda hot....a hot guy wouldn't do that. Would he?" Gally half whispered in reply to Phoenix, half whispered to herself. "Look, I'm tired. He can slit all our throats for all I care. I need rest." Merry complained. "You'll care if he decides to slit your throat. Then you won't be so worried about rest." Gally informed him. "I don't know about that" Maniac joined in, "They certainly are lazy little buggers...." "ENOUGH, ALL OF YOU!" Strider shouted, "We are resting here, and I will slit your throats if I damn well feel like it!"  
  
Frodo woke up, restless, to the sound of six-some odd voices. He looked up to see the lot of them, with the exception of Strider and the Goose in a circle around a fire. He heard mixed sayings of "Pass those tomatoes, Sam" and "Hurry up with those mushrooms, I want some!" which was closely followed by three voices shouting "Marshmallows," and a heavily breathing Goose followed by "Yes....one day, when I'm king...." he didn't much care to listen to anymore. He jumped up and put out the fire with his feet. "Doesn't that hurt?" Gally asked him. "This isn't the time for such questions!" he shouted, "LOOK!" he gestured to the group of Nazgul below them, slowly making there way up to the ruin. They each grabbed the swords that Strider had equipped them with. The Goose ran to find his master, dagger in hand. The other seven ran higher. When they reached the top, six of the seven circled around Frodo, protecting him. The Nazgul climbed to the top, five of them total. The six raised  
their swords as the Nazgul neared. The circled had died, as Merry and Pippin pushed Frodo towards the back of the group. Maniac was brandishing her sword, prepared the strike, however the Wraiths were many, and she was but one. They easily threw her out of the way. They continued to do this to the rest, who were flung to the walls of the great ruin. Frodo began to back away to the edge of the ruin, and finally got and idea. He slipped the Ring on his finger.  
  
He now got a glimpse of the Wraiths' faces and thought to himself "No wonder they cover their heads with robes." He began dancing around them shouting at the top of his lungs "CAN'T TOUCH THIS! Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh uh huh uh huh!" Finally, one of the Nazgul, annoyed by his shouting, thrust his sword forward and lo! It found a home in Frodo's shoulder. He crumpled to the ground in pain, whispering to himself "I'm....okay....it's....only a flesh wound...."  
  
"Over there, master! See them?" shouted the Goose, pointing at the Nazgul. One of them, seemingly hissing came walking towards him slowly, sword in hand, grip tightening around it. The Goose looked the other way, twiddled his thumbs, and began whistling. "Loving day we're having isn't? Definitely not a day you'd want to ruin by stabbing and murdering someone, now is it?" he said to no one in particular, and then ran.  
  
However the Ranger was not so nervous around the Nazgul. His arm quick, he flung his sword deep into them over and over. "That's it! You show `em, boss!" the Goose cheered on from the side. The others quickly joined him, excluding Frodo. "One pence, three pence, six pence, a dollar! All Strider supporters stand up and holler!" they shouted in unison, followed by incessant singing. "He is the champion, my friends! And he'll keep on fighting `til the end!" both Strider and the Wraith he had set aflame stopped mid-fight. "Could you please just shut up?" Strider glared at them, "I've just gotta kick the crap out of this last guy, and then we can sing, but really, it's distracting. Have a little compassion." There were scattered remarks of "Sorry" and "There was no need to get all pissy about it...." "Alright...." Strider said as soon as they had finished and went back to their separate corners, "No we can get back to.... OW!" The Nazgul hand jammed a fist in his stomach. "You're  
gonna pay for that, bitch!" he swore. Using both sword and torch, he battled the Nazgul until finally it fled, leaving him the victor, which obviously called for a dance. "Oh yeah.... Who's the man? I'm the man! Kick MAJOR butt! I win! They suck! Celebration to me! Don't stop; don't stop `til ya get enough! Can't stop, can't stop `til ya get enough!" Frodo, at this point, ripped the Ring from his finger, screaming in pain. "Stop celebrating! IN....pain!" "Oh, right. You. He's been stabbed with the blade of the Nazgul.... He is becoming one of them. Sam, do you know of the pant Kingsfoil?" Sam looked around briefly, to which the Goose retorted "It's not like there's any other Sam here." "Oh, right.... Me.... Yeah, but isn't that a weed?" Merry grinned. "Weed? I haven't had a good smoke in ages...." "No that kind of weed!" Strider demanded, "But.... You know what it is, Sam? " "Yes." "Good. It could slow the process.... We'd have more time to take him to someone whom....  
Actually knows what they're doing." Maniac giggled slightly and said, "It's not a weed anymore...." And Strider and Sam began their search. 


	4. Chapter Four--Flight to Ford

Chapter Four  
  
Quick mention.... The Great Goosini is originally from [1]www.soyouwanna.com and my friend decided it was a good idea to "borrow" this name. SUE HIM, NOT ME!!! Now.... On with the fanfic!!!  
  
As Strider knelt to pick a batch of Kingsfoil from the ground, he felt a cool blade on his neck, and an equally cool voice whisper "What's this? A ranger caught off his guard?" He looked up to the head of the elf-woman; with her flowing brunette hair and sparkling crystal blue eyes. He had no idea who she was. "For the love of all that's Holy, please don't kill me!" he screamed. "What? What are you.... It's Arwen! You're girlfriend, you daft twit!" "A.... Wen? Awen?" "Arwen. ARRRRWEN!" Strider just cocked his head to the side and looked at her confusedly. "Oh, screw it. You idiot. I'm here to save the hobbit, seeing how you're obviously too stupid to do it."  
  
The two, along with Sam, traveled back to Frodo, who lay on the ground, gasping for breaths. "He doesn't look so great." Phoenix remarked, looking at him sideways. "Well, that was slightly obvious." Merry retorted. "Well, excuse me for making conversation rather than sitting in silence like.... Some.... Silent.... Person!" "How dare you call me a person! I am a HOBBIT!" "Well, aren't you fancy? Bring it on, small fry! You want a piece of me?" "AHEM!" Gally cleared her throat loudly and gestured toward a very brightly glowing Arwen. "Are we supposed to be in awe?" Pippin whispered to Maniac, to which she replied "No.... Here, throw a tomato at her. I bet she'll love that." Pippin considered this, shrugged, grabbed a tomato, and slugged it at her. However, the unnatural brightness of Arwen nearly blinded him, and he hit Sam by mistake. "HEY! What was that for?" Sam yelled. "Sorry." Pippin whispered, grabbed another tomato and throw. But lo! This time, his aim was better and  
hit Arwen's brightly glowing shoulder. The brightness faded. "Good job." Maniac congratulated him. "YOU!" Arwen yelled, "You little pip squeak! This was a new dress! You're gonna pay..." "Run, Pippi, run! Before she goes medieval!" Phoenix yelled.  
  
"Pippi," as he apparently had been nicknamed, did not run. He did the exact opposite. He stood in same place, staring blankly at the tomato on Arwen's shoulder. Arwen did not stay in this elegant, glowy form. Somehow, within a matter of seconds, she had changed into a more rugged look. She just appeared this way suddenly. Her pointed ears were now revealed. "SHE'S A WITCH!" the Goose yelled, "Burn her!" "No, you idiot" Sam glared at him, "She's an elf." "You are to call the Great Goosini an idiot? You shall be punished!" "What are you gonna do? Sure you may be taller, but just look at you! You're scrawny and bony. You couldn't squash an ant using all of your body wait, much less in any way harm me." The Goose just glared at him and grumbled.  
  
"He's in critical condition." Arwen said to Strider, who stupidly said, "You sure are purdy." "We need to get him to my father. I am wholly aware of the fact that you already mentioned this, but I find it critical for me to repeat this so that I can sound smart. Now, let's get this little dude to Rivendell." "Great," Strider began, "I know this guy, Glorfindel...." "NO. I am going to take him. Don't ask why. I just feel like it." "Alrighty." "Don't try to defy me! I'm going to take him on my own!" "That's fine with--" "I KNOW you disapprove, so I will bring your lackey along with me. Come, Goose. Bring Frodo with you."  
  
Arwen set Frodo upon her steed and mounted after him. "Come, oh bony one!" she said as she helped the Goose on to her mount. Maniac looked at the horse sideways and muttered to Merry, "She's riding a goat." "Nah...." he replied, also looking the scene sideways, "That's a horse...." "A horse with horns?" While the two contemplated it, Arwen shouted "Tallyho!" to her "horse" and rode off.  
  
Despite the fact that it was a goat, Arwen's steed was swift and quick. However, the Wraiths were more than a match for it. They found Arwen along her path and chased her. They attempted to stab her, but cut off the mighty goats beard by accident. It brayed loudly and ran into a tree, the limb of which cut Arwen's cheek. They finally reached a shallow river, a creek perhaps. The three, along with the goat, crossed it quickly, however the Nazgul were not fond of water. Arwen had no idea what to do. "Surrender the Halfling, she-elf." One of the Nazgul muttered wickedly.  
  
"You idiot!" The Goose shouted, "You could easily kill the lot of us right now!" "Shhhhhh!" Arwen glared at Goosini, but it was too late. The Nazgul were running toward them. Arwen thought quickly and shouted, "Hey! What's that over there?" The nine turned to look at whatever it was, and many said, "I don't see anything." After a long pause, one of them shouted "Hey! It's a trick!" and they all whirled around to face her. But it was too late. She had worked her elven magic, and they were drowned in a sea of.... Well, water.  
  
Note form your beloved authoress: Thanks a bunch to all of you who have reviewed!!! You keep me alive!!! (Many people: EEEP!!! Stop reviewing, maybe she'll die!!!)  
  
To Mercuria: **grin~* I love you. That is a GREAT suggestion.  
  
To everyone: I already have half of chapter five written, so expect it up soon.  
  
References  
  
1. http://www.soyouwanna.com/ 


	5. Chapter Five--Rivendell (the LONG one)

Chapter Five  
  
When Frodo woke up he found the figure of Gandalf the Grey sitting by his bed. "W-where am I?" Frodo mumbled, rubbing his temples. "You are at the Houses of Healing at Rivendell. And it is three o'clock in the afternoon. Three o'clock! You're one lazy hobbit." "Who are you?" Frodo said wearily, as he looked to the face of a female, young and dark haired. "I," she said cheerfully, "am Jewels. Fear not, I am friend to Gandalf the Grey." "I wouldn't go that far...." Gandalf, who sat in the corner mumbled to himself, and then louder he said, "You barely made it! We are glad to see you alive. I am sorry I did not meet you in the Bree. I was.... Delayed...."  
  
Flash back  
  
".... Huckleberry.... Did I mention that already? What about grapes? Are those considered berries?" Jewels said s she stared at the sky thoughtfully. "Sorry...." Gandalf said in a pained voice as Saruman suspended him over he edge of the tower, "I'm kind of preoccupied." Saruman slammed the great wizard back onto the tower. "That hurt!" "Sorry...." Saruman whispered, "Gee, Gandalf the Grey sure complains a lot...." "I heard that!" "Well aren't you special?" "Yeah, I, AM!" "W-well.... I'm a more powerful wizard than you, so ha! In your greasy-haired face!" "No your not, everyone just pitied you so they said you were the most wise and powerful wizard ever." Saruman's initial look of shock turned to rage quite quickly. "Take it back! Take it back!" He then broke into tears. "I only want to please people! I'm really not that bad.... Just a little psychopathic and evil.... But that doesn't mean I'm a bad person!"  
  
Gandalf whispered to Jewels, as Saruman sobbed furiously, "When I give the word, jump off the edge of the tower." "Are you crazy?" "Just do it." "What's the word?" "Um.... I don't know how about.... Bucklebury Ferry?" "Okay."  
  
He then resumed his conversation with the white wizard, scrambling to his feet and gazing over the edge of the great tower. "Um.... It'll be fine Saruman. Maybe you could get a new job, something that would please people more. Y'know.... Something a little less--How should I put this nicely?-- Evil." He constantly found himself unconsciously gazing over the edge of the tower. "Thank you, Gandy.... Can I call you Gandy?" Saruman had crumpled to his knees, sobbing into his sparkling white robes. "Yeah.... Sure. What ever makes you feel better." Saruman sniffled a couple of times and scrambled to his feet. "Thank you, Gandy.... You are kind to me." "Yeah.... Um.... Thanks. " Gandalf peered over the tower one last time to see his ride arrive. "Bucklebury Ferry," He whispered, "Bucklebury Ferry...."  
  
Jewels did nothing. The Great wizard cleared his throat and spoke slightly louder, "Bucklebury FERRY!" Jewels found a small pebble and tossed it over the edge. Gandalf gave up, and shoved Jewel over the edge. Her cry as she fell was "Hey, I dropped my pebble!" However, Saruman noticed what Gandalf had done—and was doing. His eyes suddenly became insane and filled with hatred. "Gandalf.... You're not going anywhere." "Afraid I am.... Got a flight to catch." The White wizard's eyes welled with tears again. "Damn it, Gandalf, don't leave me here all ALONE!" "I'd love to stay and chat but.... That's a lie. Goodbye." And with that, he jumped, landing on top of Jewels and the Eagle.  
  
End Flashback  
  
Frodo looked at the wizard curiously. "Did all that really happen?" "No," Jewels said plainly, "We made the whole thing up. Of course it happened." Just then, Sam rushed in. "Frodo? MisterFrodo? You're awake!" Sam immeadiatley ran over to where his master lay and flung his arms about the other hobbit's shoulders. "Sam's barely left your side." Gandalf almost laughed as he said this. Jewels did laugh, and mumbled, "We were starting to suspect something...."  
  
Soon, Frodo was up and out of bed, greeting his friends. Jewels insisted on being his escort, along with Sam. They were all introduced. Merry and Pippin were ecstatic to see Frodo up and about. Phoenix, Maniac and Gally were happy, but a bit preoccupied in the elven land with their constant games of "Boxers, briefs, or absolutely nothing." Strangely enough, Merry and Pippin didn't seem to mind when they were forced to join in. The Goose was mortified when he saw Frodo alive, and reluctantly gave Merry and Pippin a few gold pieces, as well as a couple of carrots for his lost bet.  
  
Frodo found himself falling in love with this beautiful land. He wandered mindlessly for hours and loved every second of it. One eventful afternoon of wandering, he found Sam out on a balcony, packing his bags. "Packing already? I thought you were dying to see the elves." Frodo grinned, however his voice was concerned and curious.  
  
".... Cashew, pecan, walnut, hazelnut. There. All the nuts known to.... Anyone." Phoenix, Maniac, and Pippin stared at Jewels in awe. The four had gotten bored of playing "Boxers, briefs, or absolutely nothing" and decided to take a walk. Merry and Gally however, were captivated. "How did you...." Phoenix began, but she was quickly cut off by Pippin. "Shh.... Look! Sam and Frodo!" he grinned and giggled slightly, "Nothing is more fun that listening to their private conversations." Maniac laughed maniacally and grinned widely, gesturing for all of them to crouch behind a near by shrubbery.  
  
"Well...." Sam's voice sounded distant his eyes moved and he looked straight at Frodo, "We did what Gandalf said. We got the Ring this far. I was just thinking, maybe we could be getting home now." He looked at the ground and kicked some dirt. His eyes then greeted Frodo's once more. They seemed to plea for something.  
  
"Why is Sam looking at Frodo like?" Maniac whispered with curiosity, "Oh my God, he's GAY isn't he?" "Nah...." Phoenix's voice was equally curious; "He had a girlfriend, Rosie something.... Didn't he?" They both turned to Pippin. "Yeah.... I think so.... But now that you mention it...."  
  
Frodo smiled at his friend weakly. Sam loved the Shire. "You're right Sam. I'll talk to Gandalf. We'll leave as soon as we can." Sam smiled back, and Frodo continued wandering. Phoenix and Maniac were devastated. "That was it?" Phoenix shouted. Maniac glared and said, "What? No 'I love you dearly Frodo, I always have'? What is with these guys?"  
  
Frodo soon found his Uncle Bilbo. Since they had last seen each other, Bilbo had completed his book. 'There and Back Again,' he had called it, and given his first copy to Frodo. He now called Frodo into his quarters to give him more gifts.  
  
"Here, Frodo," he reached around and found something "I want you to have this. It's my old sword, Sting. Made by the elves! The blade glows red when orcs are near." "Red, Uncle Bilbo?" "Did I say red? I meant blue."  
  
Gally and Merry had frightened off every male elf in the area and were now bored. They wandered in silence briefly until they came upon an open window where they found Frodo and Bilbo talking. Bilbo seemed to be holding some kind of armor and giving it to Frodo.  
  
"Mithril. Light as a feather, and hard as dragon scales." Bilbo said, handing the armor to Frodo, "Let me see it on you!" Frodo slowly began to unbutton his shirt. Almost too slowly. Slowly enough to cause Gally to hiss, "Would you hurry up already?" The Ring was revealed in a chain around his neck. "My Ring...." Bilbo stared at it; "You keep it around your neck? I always kept it in my pocket. Loved that riddle much I did. 'What have I got in my pocket?' Heh.... Yes, the good old days." He stared at the Ring against Frodo's pale white skin a bit longer, and finally asked his burning question. "Frodo.... Do you spit or swallow?" Not that question! "Frodo.... I would dearly love to hold me Ring again.... If you could just...." Frodo began to button his shirt again.... Much too slowly. Bilbo turned away, but quickly turned back, hissing. His pearly white teeth became black and yellow fangs. His eyes grew dark and evil. His hand was more like a claw that ever as he reached for his nephew's throat. He recoiled immeadiatley, sobbing. Frodo looked concerned and walk over to him. "I'm sorry my boy... that you must carry this burden," Bilbo whined tearfully, "I'm sorry for everything!" Gally stared at this scene in confusion. "What's wrong with him?" she whispered to Merry, who replied "PMS?"  
  
  
  
Elrond, Gandalf, and the Goose walked together, talking. Elrond, the Lord of Rivendell, now seemed dark. "No, seriously, Gandalf, I'm not kidding. You're getting that Ring out of here." "But Elrond," Gandalf pleaded, "It looks so pretty on your finger!" "Oh you're just saying that. But seriously, we're already at war; we don't need anyone else trying to kill us all. It's not exactly.... Fun."  
  
A/N: Screw this, I'm moving to a new conversation.  
  
"So. Elly, who do you think will be the most powerful race once all the great races have fallen?" Gandalf questioned. "You DARE to call the great Lord Elrond 'Elly?' My dear Gandalf, you have been smoking too much pipe- weed.The elves will rule forever." Elrond demanded. The Goose looked perplexed, "But isn't the race slowly fad—" "The ELVEN race will RULE FOREVER!" "Bu—" "THE ELVEN RACE WILL RULE FOREVER!" Gandalf cleared his throat and interjected "I think the race of Men holds great potential." "MEN SUCK!" Elrond shouted. "Shut up, Agent Smith!" Goose shout in retaliation. Gandalf and Elrond stared in confusion. "Ummm...." Gandalf mumbled. Elrond turned to Gandalf and began, "So, anyway.... I was there when the race of Men failed. All evil should have been destroyed that day, but alas, because of Men it was allowed to prevail."  
  
Flashback  
  
Sweat poured down Lord Elrond's face from the heat of the volcano. He and Isildur stood at the crack of Mount Doom, prepared to destroy the horrid Ring. Elrond gestured for Isildur to throw it in. "Dude, burn the Ring!" Isildur stood his ground, and smiled wickedly. "Dude, like now while we like have the chance! Burn it!" "No WAY, man. I'm keepin' this trippy little thing."  
  
End Flashback  
  
Gandalf stared at his old friend with new terror. "Elrond.... I had no idea.... You talked like a surfer when you were young...." "Well, now you know!" Elrond sobbed. The Goose mumbled "Sissy," and wandered off to find his master.  
  
The Lady Arwen stood on the bridge, waiting for her darling to meet her. The only sound was the trickling of the water below her. And a rustling in the bushes. And Strider calling to her "Where are you, Awen? I'm lost!" Arwen twirled around to see him facing her. "Oh...." he mumbled, "I guess I'm not lost then." Arwen ignored this and look deep into his blue eyes with her's. "Do you remember what I said to you when we first met?" Strider looked as if he were in deep thought, then looked to the sky, then back to Arwen. "You said 'What's this? And Ranger caught off his guard?'" "No, you idiot, we met before that!" "Look.... If you've been stalking me...." "No! I—" She was cut off by the Goose shouting "Master! Where are you? You have been called to a secret meeting!" An unfamiliar voice of a commoner said "Hey, awesome! Secret meeting!" "Guess it isn't so secret anymore...." Goose mumbled. Strider whipped around, calling "Goose! Where are you?" He did not notice that Arwen had been knocked into the water below. "Hey! Down here! You idiot! I can't swim well!" Arwen's voice trailed off as the current swept her away.  
  
  
  
People from every province, of every species attended this not-so-secret- anymore meeting of Elrond's. The elven lord sat proud and tall. With the greatest of honour in his voice, he announced "This is the One Ring. We must do something about it." The noble man stood up slowly, took one step forward, slipped on a bunch of pebbles, and fell to the ground. "Ow...." he mumbled. He then noticed three human-looking girls sitting across from him. "What are you three doing here?" he shouted. Gally stood, making sure not to trip on some pebbles, and said, "We are all three ladies of Forlindon. We would not wish for our province to go unnoticed. As for Jewels.... Well, she's just plain cool." "Oh.... Okay." Gally seemed annoyed, and finally she stomped her foot and shouted, "Aren't ANY of you going to be shocked?" A few mumbles of "Oh shut up" and "Sit down already," and one loud shout that appeared to have come from Maniac said, "Your blonde is showing!" Gally sat down constantly looking for the blonde showing o her hair. One man, who was sitting in the corner, stood up and shouted, "It is a gift! We should use this great thing to our advantage!" "No, noble Boromir!" Strider shouted, "You can not wield it!" "Whachu talkin' 'bout, Wilis?" A blonde elf stood up and shouted "Hey! Be nice to him! He's cool! He's not just any old trashy –looking dirt-bag, he's trashy-looking Aragorn, son of Arathorn, and heir to the throne of Gondor! So SHUT UP you LOSER!" "Legolas, sit down and shut up!" Aragorn, formally known as Strider, shouted. Elrond stood again, this time looking out for pebbles.  
  
"It must be destroyed. It is, after all the source of all evil." Everyone stared at the Ring sitting upon a small coffee table and many whispered "oooooh" and "aaaaaah" as they stared. One dwarf stood up, holding his mighty axe in hand. "Well, you bunch of ninnies, don't just stand there. Destroy the little thing!" with these words, he slung his axe down, and as it collided with the Ring, it shattered into many piece, some of which were too small to see, and one of which flew into the deep brown eye of Legolas Greenleaf. "Oooow!" he screeched, "Ow, ow, ow, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts! Mommy, make it go away!" Gally steeped forward, while Phoenix moaned "Shut up you little wimp," and looked into his eyes, which were now blue. "Hey...." she mumbled, "Weren't your eyes—" "No! My eyes have.... Erm.... Always been blue. ALWAYS." Gally shrugged, told him to blink a few times, and caught a small piece of metal lodged in his eye. "Anyway," Lord Elrond continued, "The thing isn't something you can easily break with an axe or a soldering iron." "A soldering iron of Justice, perhaps?" suggested a distance voice that seemed to belong to the Goose. "No!" Elrond demanded "It's gotta be destroyed deep within the fires of Mount Doom, the very place it was created. Ha, so coincidental...." he chuckled, but his last words were covered by the shouts and arguments of others. Things like "I won't see this responsibility in the hands of an elf!" and "Bite me, you moronic dwarf," and "Okay," and "Ow! That wasn't literal!" and many similar sounding voices shouting "give it to the Goose, sounds like a good plan to me!" could be heard. Finally, one small voice rang brave and true over all the rest and was heard loud and clear, as the speaker stood true and tall.  
  
"I will take the Ring." Frodo Baggins said courageously. This was followed by a snigger, and Phoenix mumbling "Dead hobbit walking." Gandalf had heard this remark and rested his hand on the hobbit's shoulder. "He needs guidance, I will stand by his side." "Yes,' Aragorn said, "You have my sword, little one." This was almost immeadiatley followed by a giddy sounding voice screaming, "Oh! And my bow! My bow!" (Here, a faint whisper of "Oh! I wanna go with the hot guy!" was heard from Gally) "I get to work with the rightful King of Gondor.... This is so exciting!" The dwarf, Gimli, son of Gloin, stood up straight and as tall as he could get, and over-dramatically stated, "And my axe!" his over-dramatization did not go unnoticed In fact, everyone stared. He stared around, thinking of an explanation. He simply muttered, "What? It's a big thing! Oh.... Sod off, the whole lot of you!" Boromir disregarded this and continued. "This will not end well. I guarantee you will all die. Bu my father keep dragging me along with him to classes about how to make whicker baskets, and I've gotten rather bored. Plus, my ability to make whickers baskets may some day aid the lot of you/. I will join." Gally could resist no longer. "I WANNA GO ON THE LIFE-THREATENING MISSION WITH THE HOT GUY! We're going too!" Maniac cheered, wanting a good adventure and Phoenix groaned, and said something about lack of sleep. Sam, followed by Merry and Pippin had no particular cue and needed and excuse to move, so the three ran up and insisted they go along. "You need people of intelligence on this sort of mission.... Quest.... Thing." Pippin declared, which Merry followed up with "Guess that leaves you out then, Pip." Phoenix looked at Gally, "You too, Gal." She was then slapped. "You too, Goose!" Phoenix shouted, "I know you're coming along." He approached them and stood with the group.  
  
"Very well." Lord Elrond declared, "You are the Fellowship of the Ring. Oooh, sounds fancy, doesn't it? Anyway, people will want to steal that Ring from you, boy—er hobbit—so the lot of you will go under cover as traveling bards. Two of the hobbits will be equipped with tambourines, the other two with maracas. The elf gets a harp, and the dwarf gets a flute, just because irony is good and you'll need some cheering up. The two humans get trumpets.... Make that the one human, Boromir seems to already have a horn. Funny, I thought the 'Horn of Gondor' was an innuendo for something else...." "They're all lies!" Boromir insisted, and Elrond continued, "The scrawny.... Thing gets a triangle" (here the Goose was heard mumbling "This triangle is kinda heavy,") "And the four females get these bagpipes" (here Phoenix shouted "woohoo" and attempted to make a sound on her bagpipes) "Gandalf, oh mighty Grey one, you get this." Elrond handed him his instrument. "Elrond, this is a carrot." Gandalf muttered. "Oh.... Right.... I meant to give you this banjo.... Sorry." So there they stood, fourteen not-incredibly-prestigious creatures. Each carrying instruments. They began their journey to destroy the nefarious Ring.  
  
  
  
A/N: The real Gally Gold is forcing me to thank her for the Elrond flashback, which in truth is hers. Thanks!!! Also, quick disclaimer—in chapter one I used a lyric from the song "Ob la di, ob la da" by the Beatles. It's.... Not mine.  
  
Keep those reviews coming!!! 


	6. Chapter Six--Climbing, the Caradhras, an...

Chapter Six  
  
The Fellowship marched on for what seemed like hours. It was actually days, however it seemed to go rather quickly. No one had seemed to notice that Legolas's eyes had now changed to fuchsia and were slowly warping themselves into a reddish state. No one had seemed to notice how Gally, now noting herself as not only a lady of Forlindon, but the Queen, no less, bossed Legolas around like one of her servants. No one seemed to notice how Legolas did her every biding with a smile.  
  
However, everyone seemed to notice Frodo's whining. "Oh, me, even with my hobbit's feet I'm still suffering from all this blasted walking" "Master Aragorn, spare this poor hobbit from anymore torture and carry me!" No one did anything, however, this fateful morn, the Fellowship had reached the top of the mountain Caradhras, and here they would rest.  
  
Merry and Pippin were being taught to fight by Boromir, with a silent Aragorn watching, and a not-so-silent Phoenix shouting mindless dribble at them. "That's it.... Now give him your left hook.... No! Don't do that! You're wide open on the other side! Yes.... Yes.... Yes.... Ye—NO! NO!" Aragorn sent her confused looks, which she ignored. Sam snored softly under a small bush. The Grey wizard spoke with the dwarf Gimli, the Goose, and Legolas. Gally was very near by, while she, Jewels, and Maniac suffered through Frodo continuous complaints. "My that certainly was a long way to walk.... Tired out of my mind." The girls sighed loudly, and Jewels demanded "Will you please shut up?!" Frodo, however, continued his ramblings, oblivious to their demands. "The elf I envy.... When we near that snowy ridge, he'll simply walk on top of the snow and...." He was cut off by shock, because Gally was standing next to him, doing nothing, hands at her sides, half smiling, when suddenly she reached up and poked his head, dead center. "Wh-what was that for?" Jewels laughed a little and began poking him as well, and soon Maniac joined. "Legolas, be a dear and come help us over here?" Gally called. "Yes, ma'am" he grinned. Gimli called to him. "Elf! Is that not what I believe, a fleet of birds coming toward us? Tell us so that we might know whence a correct time to take cover would be!" Legolas both ignored and couldn't understand Gimli's words.  
  
Boromir, his sword moving swiftly, missed and cut a small gash in Pippin's ankle. He cried out, and kicked the man. Aragorn began giggling, and Phoenix became enraged. While the two hobbits playfully kicked at Boromir, Phoenix full on attacked, and began to bloody his nose. Gandalf cried out for them to hide. The birds were none other than the servants of Saruman.  
  
Sam chose this time to wake up.  
  
"Aye, Mister Frodo, have yourself a nice rest," Sam said as he yawned and stretched, "And you'll feel all better. No more complaints for quite a while, I assure—HOLY SHIT! What are those?! Don't kill me! Take him! The little weakling with the Ring! He's the one you—Oh.... they're, heh heh, uh, gone." Everyone gawked at Sam in shock for his offered sacrifice of his master. Sam struggled to find a comeback. "I.... Uh.... LEGOLAS'S EYES ARE PINK!" "Are not!" Legolas shouted. Gandalf grew irritated. "Quiet, both of you. We have to travel over the mountain. It is very cold, and many of us will probably die from hypothermia or get a serious case of frostbite, but it's all for the greater good, right?" The group sighed aggravatedly, and as they gathered their things to leave, mumblements could be heard amongst them of things such as "I just got a pedicure," and "I knew I shouldn't have worn sandals" and one, presumably from Legolas, of "my eyes are NOT pink...." A shout roared over the mumbles. "Maybe we should all save some suffering and just give the Goose the Ring!" Everyone turned to face the son of Arathorn's servant. "Well, whoever that anonymous person who randomly yelled out that excellent piece of advice was, I agree. Why should we all suffer? I mean, a man does not enjoy watching others suffer. And why should I want to see my gaggle of minions—erm, friends—to suffer needlessly?" The Fellowship stared in confusion. Phoenix cocked her head to the side, and then walked up to the Goose, and poked him on the head. She then slapped him.  
  
"OW! What was that for? You made me drop my triangle!" "We're all going to the top. This is a brand new pair of elven hiking boots, and I did NOT spend that twenty-some-odd gold pieces on a pair of shoes I won't even use ONCE! Besides, I've heard they've got some excellent walking shoes in Gondor." "Oh yes!" Boromir joined in "They've got this excellent little shoe boutique on the fifth level of the tower, shoes of every kind! I mean, some of them are a bit pricey, but...." "Wait a minute...." Jewels interrupted, "Weren't we supposed to be doing something? I forgot what it was.... A quest or something?" Maniac looked as if in deep thought, "No.... No, doesn't sound familiar." They all stood for a moment, remembering the task at hand.  
  
Finally Gimli shouted, "THE QUEST! The almighty Quest of the Ring! We must continue!" The rest of the Fellowship considered this, and nodded approvingly. "Legolaaaaaaaaaas," Gally whined, "Carry me!" The elf, whose eyes had now turned a shade of deep orange, lifted the Queen of Forlindon and began to carry her. Phoenix observed this trick, and then turned to Merry and Pippin. "One of you, carry me up the mountain." Merry and Pippin looked at Phoenix, looked at each other, nodded, and turned back to Phoenix. They both knocked her to the ground, and proceeded to roll her upward. 'Y'know what, guys? I think I'll walk after all."  
  
The Fellowship continued on upward because.... Well.... That was the initial plan. Gally constantly mocked everyone, for she and Legolas were not forced to trudge through the now. "Hehehe! Look at you all! Couldn't you speed up? No! You couldn't! Because you've not elves!" She made Legolas stop briefly so she could form a snowball in her hands and hurl it at Frodo, who rolled backwards. When he stood, he felt around his neck for the Ring. "OH CRAP! I lost it! Well.... Mission's over. Let's go home." "I've got it." Boromir said, holding up the chain, along with the Ring. He studied it intensely. "So odd that we must suffer such great pain for something so small." There was a silence, which Phoenix broke by saying, "That's kind of the definition of irony." While they stood in continuous silence, the Goose snatched the Ring, unnoticed until he began dancing and chanting, "I got the Ring! I got the Ring! Haha-haha-haaaaaahaaaaaaaaa!" "Good work, Goose," Aragorn addressed him, "You have gotten the Ring to give back to Frodo." "Yeah.... Frodo.... Right." Goose reluctantly returned the Ring to the Ring bearer, but not without a stern remark of something that sounded like "muhlurp" and a wiggling of his bony fingers.  
  
  
  
The marching continued, in much silence. Finally, a loud screech was heard, from Aragorn, and chaos broke loose. "Oh my Gods! I broke a nail!" The Goose hurriedly shouted, "One moment, Master! I'm getting the nail file! It'll all be fine in a second!" Gally, whispered to herself, "Yes! Now there's no WAY I don't have the best nails in the Fellowship!" and examined her own pinkish tinted nails. She then noticed the beautiful, perfect nails of the elf that was carrying her. She grew jealous, and in a fit of rage began snapping the end of the nails from his fingers. Legolas screamed. "Are you off your nut!? What ARE you doing? Those are my NAILS, STOP IT!" While he ran around screaming, Gally clutching his shoulder and snapping off nails with an odd, insane glint in her eyes, Gimli sat down in the snow, exasperated. "What is it, hairy dude? You don't look so good." Maniac said, as she sat next to him. Gimli sighed angrily. "I'm TRYING to be dramatic, here! I mean, look at me! I'm a big ball of dirty hair that hasn't been washed in months! I deserve a little respect, so I earn it by acting dramatic. This is the only reason people seem to pay attention me, but all you bloody gits can't understand a bleeding word that comes from my mouth!" Maniac's look was sympathetic, as she placed a comforting hand on his shoulder, but her only thoughts were, "Oh my GODS! He hasn't washed hi hair in MONTHS? "  
  
Phoenix, turned to the two hobbits next to he, Merry and Pippin, who were beginning to become something of sidekicks to her. She gestured towards the snow, and the two nodded. In unison, these three picked up snow, and formed balls from it. Again, in unison, they pulled their arm back, then launched them forward, releasing the snowballs, each of which hit either Legolas or Gally in the head. "HEY!" the elf prince and the human queen shouted. "Good work, boys." Phoenix said as she smiled at Merry and Pippin.  
  
Still, there was silence as the fourteen marched upwards. An obvious beat in their marching, and causing Phoenix to hum briefly. Legolas stopped in his tracks (at which point Gally whined "Keep moving!") and mumbled to Gandalf "There is a foul voice on the air...." Gandalf heard the voice the elven prince spoke of, and shouted, "It's Saruman!" "Nay, Grey one!" Gimli corrected him, "'Tis a plaque.... a voice of pure evil, the wretched sound of Mistress Phoenix singing." They all turned to Phoenix, who was in fact, singing. "These boots were made for walkin', and that's just what they'll do.... What? Why is everyone staring at me?" As they all stood in silence staring at Phoenix, a new voice wafted toward them. "Hello? Gandalf? It's Saruman.... I haven't spoken to you in a while.... I suppose you've been busy. Gandalf? I know your there. GANDALF?!" As his voice grew, the mountain shook. And then the snow fell.  
  
Quick disclaimer: Nancy Sinatra owns "These Boots were made for Walking."  
  
A/N: Time to test your knowledge. Did you get that the constant mentions of Legolas's eyes changing colour were in reference to Orlando's eyes in the movie (blue at first, then brown, then blue. Stop taking out your coloured contacts, dude!!!)??? Or the reference to Gimli not being noticed with the exception of his scraggly appearance was in reference to the fact that those who have seen the movie (females, mostly) notice only the "hot" guys, and only note that Gimli is either "not hot," or that he had some of the best make-up??? If you didn't, now you do!!! Hmmm…. Maybe I'm influencing people to start looking for the hidden meanings in jokes. I've started a revolution!!! No I haven't. 


	7. Chapter Seven--Entering Moria

A/N—Sorry about the incomplete ending. I was going to have this as the entire Moria thing, but supply and demand caught up with me. Not with the reviewers, with **glare~* my friends. And the reviewers. Not that I mind. I want the reviews. I just felt I was a little in-constant with my chapter supply. That's why this one is shorter than most of the rest should be. Enjoy, and look forward to the rest of it very soon!!!  
  
  
  
Chapter Seven  
  
The white powder poured on top of them, covering their bodies, bathing them in frozen water. As Saruman's voice faded, the snow settled. There was no sign of life left on the mountain. Suddenly, the authoress realized the pointlessness of her drama, for the next part was obvious to every reader. The tip of a helmet breached from the pure, white powder, and soon an angry, snow-covered dwarf emerged, shouting inaudible things, and the occasional "Argh!" The other thirteen soon followed him, gasping for breath. "Well, that was fun." Maniac, her voice dripping with obvious sarcasm, said as she coughed up some snow. "Hey," Frodo began, "Wouldn't it make sense just to leave the Ring buried in the snow here? I mean, it would save us all a lot of trouble." Gandalf ignored this comment, as his gaze turned to Gimli. He knew what was on the dwarf's mind. Before he said a word Gandalf protested. "Gimli, you know how much I hate Moria. It's just one big Starbucks!" The dwarf rolled his eyes. "It's not like we've got much of a choice!" "Damn it! I don't want to go!" Of course, Gimli won this argument, and it was announced that the Fellowship would go to Moria.  
  
Moments later, the group found themselves on the shore of the muddy, murky waters outside the gates of Moria. Gally had asked how they had gotten here so quickly, but this question was ignored. Phoenix complained that her brand new shoes were going to be ruined, but this was ignored as well. She threw a pebbled into the water in her frustration. Merry and Pippin observed this act, and automatically copied it, tossing whatever they found on the ground into the water. Various odds and ends, rocks, sticks, and a jewel-incrusted skull at one point. "You dolts!" Boromir protested, "You're both complete and utter fools! That could have been worth something!" he then turned to Phoenix, "Imagine all the shoes you could have bought with a jewel-incrusted skull." Phoenix's eyes glazed over into a ditzy fantasy of shoe shopping. She then bopped both of the hobbits, shouting, "Cease and desist! You're wasting valuable shoe money!" As she thanked Boromir and strode off with him, Pippin looked at the dirt clod he was about to throw, and questioned his companion. "How is dirt also shoe money?"  
  
Gandalf struggled to remember the password with which to enter Moria. Since they had first arrived at the muddy banks, he had tried literally millions of passwords, and now, hours later, everyone was growing weary and loosing hope. Despite obvious admiration for the great and powerful wizard, Maniac and Jewels secretly agreed that he might be becoming feeble in his old age, and decided on a good Middle-Earthian retirement center, when the time should arise. Phoenix and Gally sat on a rock—or rather on Boromir, who was sound asleep on this same rock—Gally having Legolas file her nails, and Phoenix reluctantly filing her own whilst complaining to Merry and Pippin about how they should take over this task. Frodo wearily thought of answers to the riddle but found nothing that made any sense, and if he did, he kept it to himself, to tired to crack his lips and mutter the probably incorrect answers floating through his brain. Sam dozed on his master's shoulder. Aragorn, in finding his manservant gone, wandered around searching for the Goose, but never went too far, a shred of optimism telling him Gandalf would find the answer any moment. Gimli kept up hope for the longest time, reassuring Gandalf with a "I was certain that was it. We must be getting very close. I'm positive the next guess will also be the last," but now the ambition seemed farther than ever to him, and now only occasionally mumbled to Gandalf, "You're almost there," less than half- heartedly.  
  
Aragorn suddenly came running back shouting "I've found him!" his manservant obediently trotting along behind him. This was almost completely disregarded with the exception of slight mumbles of "yeah.... and?" "were we supposed to care?" and "when was he gone?" Gandalf swore under his breath and muttered "Why is he still alive?" He then surrendered a few gold coins to Merry and Pippin, who seemed to be getting rather wealthy, while it appeared that all the others were going broke. Aragorn's shouts roused Boromir, who was more than a little startled to find two girls sitting on top of them. As he screamed and sat up, Phoenix and Gally shrieked as well, and toppled over.  
  
With the exception of Merry and Pippin, who gleefully counted their gold coins, Gimli was the only one who took his colleague's return as a blessing. A new hope filled his heart as he recited the riddle to the small human. "Speak friend and enter. Any idea what it means?" The Goose looked insulted. "That's the simplest riddle I've ever heard. It's in elvish, right? So, speak 'friend' in elvish. It took you hours to think of that?" Gandalf mumbled "mellon" and the doors slid open. A woman's happy voice filled the air, a recording that said, "Welcome to Moria! Enjoy your stay! We serve rabbit meat straight off the bone, the way Granny used to make it, daily! Thirty percent off all meals on Wednesdays and Thursdays. Saturday night is Lady's night."  
  
Gandalf slapped the Goose on the back of the head. "Where were you two hours ago?" The only reply was a slightly stammered, "I.... I.... Uh.... It's only forty-five minutes by the Rivendell calendar!" This was ignored by most, who glared as they entered the cave, with the exception of Pippin who was counting on his fingers and doing the conversions in his head to see if the Goose was lying or not. As Jewels wandered in, she muttered, "Stupid Duck." Gally giggled and menacingly said "Duck!" to Goosini as she passed him. Frodo and Sam stood in the back, last to enter, blocking the interence.  
  
Gandalf set alight the tip of his staff, were a small crystal sat. He, Legolas, and Gimli, looked about with displeasure. "This isn't a mine...." Legolas whispered, "It's a tomb." Gimli crumpled to the ground, sobbing mindlessly for the loss of his beloved land. "Look at it now! Damn all the goblins! Death to them! Look at this place! Oh, cousin Balin, your home, your beautiful home! The skeletons of the past visitor lay on the ground, the stench of death is on the air, and eerie, evil feeling is looming throughout this horrid cave!" "See?! Didn't I tell you it was EXACTLY like a big Starbucks?" Gandalf insisted. Suddenly, a shriek was heard, loud and feminine. It rang through the cavern. It was Frodo.  
  
Other A/N—Thanks a million to the good people who work at Starbucks. You're the butt of many jokes. There's a good sport. 


	8. Chapter Eight--In Moria for a bit

Chapter Eight  
  
A large, octopus-like tentacle had snaked its way around the Ringbearer's ankle, and pulled him towards the water. The only one screaming more than Frodo was Sam, who angrily kicked a tentacle. Phoenix shrank as small as she could into a ball and shook violently behind a boulder. Gally hid behind Legolas, who was shooting the tentacle with every arrow he could grab. Pretty much everyone else just stood there and stared, a bit bemused by the scene. Gimli placed a quick bet with Pippin, while the Goose mumbled to the craken coaxingly. "That's it.... Now rip the Ring from around his neck and through it up here.... Come on..... NO! DON'T EAT HIM YET!"  
  
Boromir sighed. All this bored him. 'Maybe I should do something?' he thought. In reply to himself, he thought 'Meh. Couldn't hurt.' So, he lurched forward, drew his dagger, and sawed of the tentacle slowly. "Um.... Hey, Boro-babe? I appreciated the offer, but if you could just.... Speed it up a bit, that'd be great." "Oh.... Right. Sure thing, Frody." But his attempts to slice it off still failed. "Damn you!" he shouted, "Where the hell did this thing come from?" "You know...." Gandalf half whispered, "That's a good question.... I mean.... The craken lives a couple of miles out of this radius.... It's a bit far for him to travel all the way over here.... Inconceivable, one might say...." The craken, upon realizing this great mistake, was outraged. "Oh.... Hell's bells!" it swore, and with that, disappeared into oblivion through a plot hole.  
  
The commune marched in to the tomb, or mine, or whatever you prefer. Many marveled at the sights in awe however Gimli was sullen from the falling of the great mines and being out a few gold coins from hi previous bet with Pippin. Using the parcially broken coffee maker and some very old beans, Aragorn had commanded the Goose to whip up a pot of coffee, which he did. The coffee, though bitter with large lumps of something unrecognizable, was better than water ever was.  
  
Suddenly, they stopped. "Oh.... pudding cups," Gandalf muttered, "I.... Forgot the way. We're.... gonna have to wait here for a while." The others sighed angrily, while Gandalf tried to decide which way to go. After a few minutes, Legolas lept up with an idea. "Hey.... I think we should go this way!" he pranced towards his destination, and found it to be rather hard and stony. He had mistaken a wall for a tunnel. Maniac cracked up. "So much for elves with good eyesight!" she sniggered.  
  
The troupe sat for a while longer, until Frodo grasped Gandalf's sleeve in terror. "There's," he whispered, "Something down there! What is it?!" Gandalf puffed his pipe and sighed aggrivatedly. He glanced at Frodo side-ways and snapped, "I don't know, you tell me!" he then chuckled to himself, and sarcastically remarked, "Yeah, it's GOLLUJM!" he apperciatively laughed at his own joke, until a voice from below hissed, "Yessss, it isss!" "Oh...." Gandalf muttered, "Well.... Sod off, you disgusting little twit!"  
  
The group grew bored, almost as much as they had while Gandalf attempted to find the password to the entrance of the cave. Maniac fiddled with an arrow she had stolen from a skeleton briefly, then tossed it aside. It hit Legolas. "OW! That was my ass!" he screamed, to which she replied, "Don't be standing where I'm throwing arrows!" Merry and Pippin played endless games of Rock, Parchment, Scissors in a corner while Pippin complained about being hungry. Gimli picked at his teeth while Aragorn scratched his sweaty, greasy hair. Frodo and Sam watched them do this as they had nothing better to do. Jewels and Gally moped in a corner, endlessly complaining about the extensive wait for lack of a better topic. Boromir and Phoenix chatted on and on about the wonderful shoe selection at Gondor. Finally, Gandalf reached his decision.  
  
"Hey, dudes!" he called to them, "We're going this way." "Any particular reason?" Maniac asked as she leapt to her feet. "It smells better over here. You know how the old saying goes. 'Just follow your nose.'" Gally giggled at this. "Hehehe.... Like Toucan Sam." Sam looked at her quizzically, as he was not a toucan and wanted to know her reasoning behind calling him one.  
  
A/N: This is all I've got for right now. It's not the funniest, and certainly not the longest. But, it's what I've got, and believe you me, the next portion will be better. 


	9. Chapter Nine--Cave wars

Chapter Nine  
  
As one might imagine, the troupe was quite tired of walking perpetually. Thankfully, Moria came equipped with moving sidewalks. This enabled them travel at a very slow rate, and all in all, travel a distance in half an hour that could have easily been traveled within ten minutes had they been walking. But one does not normally let such trivial things bother them. Well, not NORMALLY, but this instance was not a particularly normal one. Gally was busy comforting a sore Legolas, whose rear hurt too much for him to sit. Gally was also frantically attempting to bum Altiods off of Frodo, who was not at all familiar with this strange word, "Altiod" and attempted to explain this to her. She refused to listen.  
  
"Look Frodo-bo, darling," Gally complained, "You don't have to lie about it. If you don't want to give me an Altiod, just come right out and say it!" "No!" Frodo protested over the pained whines of Legolas, who softly remarked, "I can't believe this! My butt is swelling! Look at this! It's huge!" Frodo continued his protest, "Look, I don't know what the bloody hell you're talking about! Is that what you want hear, then fine. I don't want to give you one of those.... Things." Gally gasped with horror, and whined and nagged him about how horribly rude of him that was.  
  
Phoenix was refusing to speak with Boromir, after he insulted sandals in their previous shoe-related conversation. She was extremely bitter about it, and sat for a bit complaining to Merry and Pippin. She was sullen, and they, very obediently, were sullen along with her. "I can't believe that jerk!" she glared at the cavern's wall, "What an idiotic dolt!" Merry and Pippin attempted a sullen, angry, "yeah" of agreeance. It didn't go as they had planned, so they tried a few more. While the two hobbits attempted shouting sullenly, an evil, manic grin spread over Phoenix's face. "Shut up, both of you. I'VE GOT IT!" she announced with glee, "I will spread ugly rumors about him!" Merry and Pippin put their practicing to the test, and very sullenly proclaimed, "YEAH!"  
  
Gimli had grown bored and was speaking to Gandalf while he allowed Jewels and Maniac to braid his hair. Both of the girls declined after looking at his greasy, dirty hair. "So...." Gimli began, looking up at Gandalf, and then back at the floor, "You had a history with Saruman, didn't you?" Gandalf pouted and whined, "I don't wanna talk about it."  
  
About ten minutes later, chaos broke loose. Boromir was becoming more and more frustrated as Phoenix began prancing about shouting, "Boromir slept with Elrond! I saw him! I saw him sneaking out of Elrond's room late at night! He told Elrond that he was so stern-looking and he thought that was very sexy!" and so on, while Merry and Pippin sullenly shouted "Yeah!" Frodo found himself attempting to comfort Gally, as she had broken down in tears because he wouldn't let her have an Altiod. Gimli continued to pry Gandalf for answers on the whole thing with him and Saruman, eventually causing Gandalf to shout, "Look, you annoying little prat, I don't want to talk about it! Have you got it? ! Shut your hole!" Legolas had finally let rip the statements he had mumbled to himself and at the top of his lungs shouted "MY ASS IS SWOLEN!" Maniac and Jewels toppled over each other with hysterical laughter.  
  
Everyone else just sat there staring at the wall, because the author couldn't decide on anything better for them to do.  
  
Anyway, a bit later, when everyone with the exception of Aragorn, the Goose, and Sam, who had been staring at the wall of the cave through the whole trip, was sullen, angry, and silent, the.... What was it? Fourteen or something? Anyway, they had arrived at their destination. This destination, for some reason, had a tombstone in the center of it.  
  
"Well, that's rather morbid...." Gally remarked, to which Phoenix replied, "Tell me about it. I mean if their choice of décor was better.... Maybe it would work. But seriously, they could have done something to brighten up the place. A window, or maybe yellow wallpaper. They could at least weed out the skeleton in the corner." "But there IS a win-" "QUIET! I wish not to hear your ramblings!" And with that, Phoenix stalked over to the corner, which held the skeleton, Merry and Pippin by her side.  
  
Gimli wandered in, his eyes wandering idly. He noticed a stand with a book and a pen on it. "Ah," he muttered to himself, "Guest book." He strolled over to the guest book and signed in as "Gimli, King of the Universe." "Hey, guys!" he called, "Come sign in as visitors of the tomb of...." his voice trailed off, and his eyes widened with shock. He screamed. He ran fled to the tomb, and sobbed on it. Gandalf leaned over and read the inscription on the tomb "Here lies Balin. That's right, Balin. Y'know, Gimli's cousin? The dude from 'The Hobbit'. No, no, not the leader, that was Thorin. Yeah, the other guy. That was Balin. He's dead now." He looked over at Gimli, and muttered, "Sucks to be you." He found Pippin and thrust his hat and staff in to the young hobbit's hand. Gandalf leaned against the wall of the cave. Pippin collapsed under the weight of the hat and staff. "Well, this is a real let down." The Wizard grumbled.  
  
There was a terribly ghastly silence. Finally, Goose broke the silence. "Hey, don't you want to read from that moldy, old book or something? So we know what happened, or something?" "What's the point?! Here's the big surprise for all of you, they were killed by goblins." Pippin broke in to sobs. He was terrified. And what better way to calm your fears than by crying on the shoulder blade of a skeleton? Pippin jumped back as he realized this, and the skeleton toppled in to a well. The noise of the skeleton falling flooded the entire cavern. "Does it puzzle anyone," Jewels asked quizzically, "That a skeleton falling to the bottom of a well makes that much noise?"  
  
There was no time to answer this question, as moment later, fleets of orcs came flooding in to the part of the cavern the Fellowship just happened to be lounging about in.  
  
A fierce battle raged. Enough said. There were no odd antics, no comments, everyone was surrounded, everyone was too terrified to speak, and no one had any other choice but to fight.  
  
Well, that's what one would think the situation would have been, but the egos of-ahem--certain men can never be judged, as they are infinitely expanding. Despite their readiness, the King of Gondor snatched up the hobbits, the girls, and the Goose and tossed them into a "safe haven." Said safe haven was actually just a corner that very few orcs occupied. Aragorn had attempted to do the same to Gandalf, but the old wizard threatened to do.... Some rather vulgar things to the Ranger's nether-regions.  
  
THEN a fierce battle raged, and the fighting members of the Fellowship, or the "Freaking Fancy Fighters" as Aragorn later dubbed them, in spite of the protests of the other FFF's, did quiet well for pretty much of the time. At one point, Legolas had been given a wound, a he paused to rip the ear ring out of one of the goblin's ears and give to Gally as a token of his devotion. Gally was disgusted, and too busy cringing as she held it in her palm to warn her personal helper-elf of the creature about to jump on him.  
  
The battle raged on like this for a matter of.... Well, to be perfectly honest, seconds. Only moments after the beginning of the battle, everyone stopped and shared a pot of sub-par coffee. One of the orcs looked up briefly from his cup and said to his friend, "Oh, Harry would love this! Yes.... Yes I do believe I'll go fetch him." Moments later the orc (who, by the way, was mot commonly known as Ooky) returned with "Harry," who in the end turned out to be a cave troll. A rather angry one at that. He was enraged, and in being so, found nothing better to do than bitch about how he had not been invited to this splendid battle. He, the great warrior Harry! How dare they!  
  
Harry grabbed his trusty club and angrily marched up to one of the orcs. In a deep, gravely voice, he said to the orc, "Arnie! How.... Wha.... I! You bastard!" Tears fled from the great troll's eyes steadfastly. His anger- turned-to-sadness turned to anger again, and he viciously grabbed Arnie and flung him from the inner-cave hovel.  
  
Yet another fierce battle raged. With Harry intent on giving his so-called "friends" their comeuppance, the Fellowship had an opportunity to make their getaway. We they would have, had Boromir not decided to seize the chance to put his whicker basket making abilities to work.  
  
"Boro-dork!" Maniac shouted, "Hurry it up! What, do you WANT to die?"  
  
Seconds later, she was hit in the head with a masterfully woven whicker basket. The others, whom were not rubbing their heads while curiously scowling at baskets on the cave floor, observed as Boromir wove with all his might, placing the strands over and under repetitively on an enormous frame. As he finished, he wheeled the basket over his head by the handle. He released the titanic weaving from his grip. It hap fully soared, hit the mighty Harry, and knocked him backwards. The beast's head beat against the cavern wall, rendering him unconscious. "He looks kinda cute when he' unconscious. Almost like a bulldog...." Maniac whispered to herself.  
  
The others stared in amazement as the whicker basket flew, not unlike a boomerang, back to Boromir's fist.  
  
"How did you...." Legolas attempted. A sweat-soaked Boromir dropped the over-sized basket and tossed Legolas's harp to him. He strode towards them, and as he pressed the forgotten banjo into the wizard's hand, he speedily breathed, "That is no matter of importance. Tally ho!"  
  
A/N: I apologize to all those who enjoy whicker baskets and the making there of. Hear you me, it's harder than you'd think. 


	10. Chapter Ten--Leaving Moria ("Mercuria's ...

Chapter Ten  
  
The troupe trekked on through the pit, all ever apprehensive. What dangers could possibly befall them next? Man, were they having some crappy luck. But they opted to forget their strife. Be merry. Whistle why they worked. The only problem was that this was literal. The sounds of four hobbits, seven humans, a dwarf, a wizard, and an elf all whistling show tunes in unison carries quite well through the depths of a cave.  
  
"Wait," Legolas shouted over the whistles, causing a fifth repeat of Annie's "Tomorrow" to come to an abrupt stop-to the extreme jubilance of many a goblin, as well as a certain mysterious creature, who whispered to himself, "Thank the precious! Stupid Annie. We hates it!"-As well as the marching of the Fellowship. All eyes turned to Legolas. "Well?" Maniac sighed exasperatedly. Despite the sight of all the interesting bones and odd cave creatures running about, Maniac was more than happy to leave this cave. Legolas began. "I.... Well, I jut don't get it. Maybe I missed some.... But when.... Or where did Boromir get all that wicker from?"  
  
An eerie silence matched the eerie darkness of the cave as everyone stood in deep contemplation. Even Gollum scratched his head with a skinny finger in confusion. Finally, the archeologists of Maniac's brain uncovered the Rosetta Stone of Legolas's question. She had found his explanation.  
  
"Shut up," she explained. With these words, Legolas sighed, lifted Gally back up and marched on. "I pick the next song," Gimli interjected between the click clacking of feet and shoes, "Let's do 'It's a Small World After All.'" There was a terrible pained, gurgley scream, presumably matching the sound one makes when one's tongue is being slowly excavated with a knife. Gollum from his hiding spot, barked at them, "WHY DON'T YOU JUST SHOOT ME AND GET IT OVER WITH?!"  
  
It wasn't long until the Fellowship had ventured into their tenth verse of "It's a Small World." It wasn't long until Gollum prayed for the sweet release of death, in gurgles and screeches or pain. It wasn't long until the merrily whistling crew's luck was pulled over by the Karma Police. It wasn't long until....  
  
A loud clap like the sound of thunder shook the world (or the mine, anyway), followed by a low grumbling. The whistles slowly wavered out, until the Goose was left whistling alone. He was drawn to an abrupt stop as Jewels struck his arm. Gandalf relinquished an aggravated sigh of "Dammit...." and louder, to Aragorn, "Hey, do you see that bridge over there?" Aragorn's gaze traveled to a bridge. A light, happy bridge. Flowers and beautifully green St. Augustine grass grew around it and a cheerful stream calmly flowed beneath it. "No...." came Gandalf's voice, "Not that bridge. The hideous, ominous one behind it. The one you can only get to by going down all those broken hunks of stairs." Aragorn stared dismally at what he knew was his fate. He groaned with sorrow. 'I was so close to getting lucky with that A-wen chick too.... Oh well. G'bye, cruel world.' He thought. "I'll guess," Gandalf interrupted his sorrowed thoughts, "You know what to-" "Yeah, yeah, yeah...." He grumbled, and directed the others to their doom. 'What's so bad about the pretty bridge?' he thought.  
  
Upon reaching the large gap in the staircase, the Fellowship was feeling a bit.... Down. They had easily stepped (or hopped, in the hobbits' cases) over most of the gaps, but this was a big one. For anywhere for nine and a half to ten minutes, they stared in contemplation at the huge hole they would have to cross, the only sound a dull recording of a man repeating the phrase "Mind the gap" in the background. Finally, an idea reached one of them. Legolas leapt across, Gally in his arms. He set her down and muttered "That wasn't so hard." The others stood there, glaring at Legolas. They weren't elves. They could jump across so easily. Legolas stared back at them, confused. "Wha...." he began, "Why aren't you doing anything? Throw some people across. I thought that was the plan...." After saying this, Aragorn immediately prepared to leap across. "Wait" Gimli quickly, said before Aragorn could jump, "Noble Aragorn, would it not be wiser to send the wee one with the Ring across first?" Aragorn glanced back at Frodo, and sternly remarked, "No cuts." With that, he jumped, and toppled on top of Legolas.  
  
This pattern continued, with Boromir tossing the remaining groupies over, with the exception of Gimli, who strongly protested, ("Nobody tosses a dwarf!"), and jumped on his own, only to be saved from near death by Legolas. Soon, all that remained were Frodo, Boromir, and the Goose. Boromir reached for Frodo, but the hobbit stepped back. "Eh.... You go first.... I'll go over on my own...." he managed. He'd neglected to inform the others that falling long distances terrified him. Boromir gave him a look that said 'are you sure?' but actually meant 'you've got something huge between your teeth, pick it out.' Frodo nodded in response, though made no move to pick anything out of his teeth. Boromir shrugged and turned to the Goose, whose arms were out-stretched, waiting to be tossed across. Boromir turned to the others, waiting for someone to come across, and also slightly involved in a Chinese checkers match between Gimli and Sam. "There's no way I'm touching that thing," Boromir muttered, looking back at the Goose again, and hopped across.  
  
Quite a coincidence that just as Boromir had made his way across, a large, traveling bolder came fluttering down and decided to widen the gap that Goose and Frodo had yet to jump. Yet another bolder came crashing down at an angle, hitting a large support beneath them. The small chunk of staircase began to totter. Goose glared at Frodo. "You're just cursed, aren't you? AREN'T you?!" "Oh, shut up" Frodo retaliated, pushing the Goose forward. With luck, this caused the stairs they stood on to totter forward, and shortly after, collide with the rest of the stairway. The Goose and Frodo toppled forward, completely wrecking the Chinese checkers match. "Hey! I was winning!" Sam exclaimed. "My money was riding on Gimli," Maniac protested.  
  
"Hey," Goose interjected, "Where's Gandalf?" "Right here." The wizard remarked from behind them, "Sorry.... I REALLY had to go to the bathroom." "How did you-" "Never mind, look, there's the bridge of Kaza-dum!" Reluctantly leaving the Chinese checkers board, the Fellowship vaguely wandered over to the bridge, and, naturally, crossed it.  
  
But what glorious luck! They were no more than half way across when oh wonder of wonders, out of no where particular, came the most terrifying thing the Fellowship had seen yet.  
  
The great beast, a bull wreathed in flame, fiery whip in hand, snorted angrily. "W-w-w-what is.... Th-th-th-that?" Pippin squeaked, attempting to hide behind the gray robe that cloaked Gandalf's body. "A Balrog...." he whispered to the young hobbit, eyes fixated on the horrid creature in front of him, and snapping out of his trance slightly flatly said, "Run." He felt Pippin's hand leave his robe.... A good feeling. They would be out of the mine soon. No thought could be better to him now than that.  
  
The Fellowship hid as well as they could behind a cave wall, as they watched a horrifying sight as Gandalf shouted string of phrases at the enormous terror. A light, thin stream of blue light flooded from Gandalf's staff, creating an orb around him, and the Fellowship heard the words "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" rip their way through the old wizard's throat.  
  
And the Balrog tumbled, ever so slowly, over the edge of the bridge, falling to his death. Legolas beamed. "He's done it!" he cried as Gandalf turned on his heel and sighed. He stood briefly, and started towards them.  
  
A hot, horrible feeling naked around his ankle. The whip! The whip was dragging him down! He fell on his face, and small pebbles scraped beneath his body and he was dragged to the edge of the bridge. He released his staff, and clutched this edge with all his might, though he felt his grip slipping. He looked at the Fellowship, hating to let them see him so helpless. They didn't like the sight any more. "Run!" he shouted at them, "Don't just stand there like dumbasses! What are you waiting for, a tour guide to show you the way out?! RUN!" and with those words, he was gone, falling into the dark abyss.  
  
Frodo screamed and ran towards him, Boromir, grabbed at him and held him back while Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli copied the motion with the other three hobbits. They did not notice the Goose wander forward.  
  
He had reached the edge already, and gazed down. All he saw was the dim glow of the whip falling slowly. Boromir's eyes widened with horror as he watched the small creature bend to pick up the staff, loose his footing, and do a small roll over the edge. Boromir closed his eyes tightly and lifted Frodo. He instructed the others to do the same and they all ran for the exit, too terrified to merely turn around.  
  
A/N: Yeah, less happy-go-lucky than the other chapters, eh??? Oh, by the by, this chapter is dedicated to Mercuria. Mercuria, dear, I don't know if you're still reading this, but you did review my story, and you did say you thought the Great Goosini should die. I had planned to kill 'im off before reading your review, but either way, this chapter's for you.  
  
There's a joke in there I felt the need to explain:  
  
In London, the "Underground" (subway with a cooler name), like in NYC, is a popular form of travel. So, we all know what it looks like in a subway station. Picture a subway car pulling up, you move toward it as the doors slide open you step on. But of course you have to step over that tiny gap in between the concrete and the subway car. So, in the London Underground, there is a recording of a man repeating the words "Mind the gap" to warn people so they don't trip, etc. 


	11. Chapter ElevenThe eeeeeevil chapter With...

Hey, it's been a while.... Just been sort of preoccupied, I suppose. I mean, in between being a huge lazy-ass, not being able to find the floppy disk I save all these stories on and spending hours trying to get the bartender in Douglas Adam' Starship Titanic to get me a drink, I sort of ignored it. I've had this chapter done for a long time, but didn't post it. Sorry, if anyone actually waited for it. Thanks. Now on with the show....  
  
Chapter Eleven  
  
Tears poured over the cold cheeks of the members of the Fellowship as they sat, hand in hand, heart in heart, screaming the pain of their lost friends away. Gimli and Maniac remained strong, though pained gasps and choked words of, "Well.... I always thought that little Goose fellow would die but...." made their true emotions obvious (though it could be argued that they were yet again forced to pay a now tearful Merry and Pippin, who, depite being crushed, graciously accepted the loot). Legolas's now teal eyes surveyed the land confusedly as he comforted Gally, softly rubbing her shoulder. He then found what his eyes had searched for: Aragorn.  
  
The man was leaving. Literally walking away from everyone else, leaving them all behind. "Estel!" Legolas cried, at a complete loss of words. Hearing an old name, one almost completely faded from memory, Aragorn turned. Legolas's eyes grew wide with shock and confusion. He really didn't have much more to say. He needed to think of something to say, and fast. Aragorn's expression matched that of Legolas's, though a bit more aggravated. Why had the elf called him? It wasn't like they had a lot of time to waste just staring at each other like confused morons!  
  
"Look, guys... uh.... Guys and girls: We.... We really should go. I mean... If we wait to long, it'll be night and then.... Well.... Orcs, ya know, they come out around night."  
  
No one was really too riveted by Aragorn's attempt at a noble speech, and in truth, no one was really listening but Boromir, who busied himself with the sobbing hobbits who WEREN'T collecting cash. But he heard either way. And he agreed.  
  
"Come, little ones," he said patting Sam and Frodo's shoulders. He turned to the others, "Come, everyone. Grieving will not aid the state our lost friends are in."  
  
With some grumbling, as well as some last sobs, the Fellowship found their way to their feet and marched forward.  
  
"So," Jewels gave a last sniffle and then stood strong, "Where to?"  
  
"North...." Aragorn muttered pointing in the direction he had been walking.  
  
"NORTH TO FREEDOM!" Phoenix proclaimed, attempting a dramatic moment. Others stared. ".... Sorry."  
  
"That's south, you idiot." Maniac corrected him, doing her best to ignore the psychotic outbursts of the others.  
  
"I think it's east." Legolas suggested.  
  
"Here's an idea, let's go that way. You know, the way we came from? Yeah. The Shire. You wanna fight evil? Well.... One never knows what horrible perils lurk in the depths of the Shire." Phoenix offered her suggestion, her tone dry and cynical. Though they ignored her remark, the others privately prayed they could do just that.  
  
***Meanwhile***  
  
A great, beautiful forest stood. It trees were the most beautiful evergreens, tall and glittering with the light dappled of morning dew. A small, elegant bird flew, lightly chirping, and found its way back to a nest high in one of the trees. It perched and called loudly, its song light and cheerful. This all soon changed. Its beautiful singing became a hideous sqwaking scream. The tree! The tree was plumetting, the ground grew nearer and nearer. Not knowing what to do, the once happy bird flew as quickly as it could, leaving its nest behind. Terrified, it found itself a new tree to perch on but no! This tree was falling as well. The bird's head, before taking to air once more, darted, surveying the land. Trees everywhere collapsed, and growing nearer and nearer to the destroyed forest was.... Was it a beacon? The bird couldn't be sure. It was bright, shimmering silvery-white.... Yes, the bird decided, a beacon of hope. It flew closer and closer to its Beacon of Hope....  
  
Saruman the White walked swiftly to the orcs-his orcs. Hard at working, destroying forests. Some, he noted were below the ground, hard at working building weapons, among other things, but they weren't really morning types and he had no desire to deal with their whining. Something was coming at his head. Was that a bird? Saruman quickly shot a glance to a near by orc, and the bird fell to the ground seconds later, a rock next it, and a small wound to its head. Saruman grinned a sinister grin that one grins when trying to disturb one's friends or small children and walked on.  
  
The white wizard approached one of the orcs, who had become something of a leader to the others to receive a report of their productivity.  
  
"The trees are strong master, their roots grow deep." He said, flatly, head bobbling animatedly with his words. He stared curiously, awaiting Saruman's cold, cruel words.  
  
"Tear them all down."  
  
Saruman's eyes glared at the forest, cold and angry. Gandalf had left him friendless and alone. He cried over the loss of his friend, large, cold tears. He had lifted a silky cloth to dry his eyes with, forgetting that beneath it was the palintir. He and the Dark Lord gabbed for a bit about Gandalf, and Sauron taught the wizard how to do things with his eyelashes that would make his eyes look more vibrant. Things like this went on for a while, the two gossiping whiles Saruman carefully manicured his nails into sharp daggers using tips Sauron had given him. An alliance had been formed. And now the time had come. An army was to be built.  
  
For years, people have wanted revenge on their ex's, revenge schemes devised, but never carried out. Even our own lovely Arwen had separated from Aragorn for a brief period of time and created an elaborate plan to get back at him. A complicated, sinister plan involving a miniature strategically placed noose, a tempting elven maiden, and lots of bees. A plan that was never carried out. Saruman, however, was not one to go back on his word.  
  
One night, while munching on Turkish delights, straightening his hair, and chatting with Sauron, an idea arose.  
  
"....And I said to him 'Well, Elrond, we can't win them all, can we?' and he just glared at me and says 'Quiet, flared-nostrils.' Can you believe it? I mean, can you believe it? It was a simple eyebrow joke! And anyway, it's not my fault he has odd-looking eyebrows! That's just the way he was born, I suppose. Can you believe it?"  
  
"It's unbelievable. Saruman, I didn't know you straightened your hair!" said the raspy, dark voice on the other end of the palintir.  
  
"Oh, of course! Looks like these don't come naturally you know."  
  
"I must have lost touch with the outside world...."  
  
"Yes, being a disembodied eye must be awful...."  
  
"Well..... It's harder to strike terror into the hearts of others, you know? I mean, it's not that threatening. I'm a bloody eye! What am I gonna do, blink at you? I can't even do that! Haven't got any lids! Anyway, I can't see well, either. I really could use a contact lens. And the flames? They're my most threatening feature and they're unintentional! Seriously, I don't want them here! I'd kill for some eye drops."  
  
"Well, you've given that small chap with your ring a right fright. Guess that's good enough. He tends to bother Gandalf about it, so really you're helping us both."  
  
"Yes.... I've been meaning to talk about that with you. I mean.... How would you like to.... Get back at Gandalf?"  
  
Saruman had considered it carefully and decided. What the hell? Sauron was a friend, he'd never do anything that would jeopardize his safety, right?  
  
Sauron's orders were to build an army worthy of Mordor, and just for the hell of it, rip down some trees.  
  
Saruman had grown bored watching the orcs-his orcs-rip apart the once- beautiful forest. He traveled down to the hole to survey the creation of his army.  
  
The hole was fiery, steaming, muddy-in a word, disgusting. Scattered groups of orcs banged pieces of cooling metal into shape. One large collection hovered around wall... a wet, muddy wall.  
  
The orcs had separated themselves into different clans. There were the messenger orcs, the ironsmiths, the Ones that tear down trees (all agreed this group had the worst name of all), and the Breeders. They each treated this segregation with the utmost dignity. It wasn't some silly game they'd made up; it was order. This was the way things were. You were in a clan, and you stuck with that clan. Clans were so strict about their internal cohesiveness that very few, if any, ever talked to any of the other clans.  
  
Everyone knew the Breeders were a boys' club. They fought playfully, bet each other to do idiotic, incomprehensibly dangerous tasks, on occasion wandered together looking for voluptuous orc ladies (said ladies, as it turns out, are almost impossible to find. One can not comprehend the difficulty it is to "pick up" one). Their boyish nature would be the death of them, the prudish messenger-orcs would preach. No one ever listened to them, though, and those who did soon forgot their words when the Breeders bombarded them with mud.  
  
"Bet you're scared," Oinky, a leader of the Breeders, teased the innocent passers-by. Shows them what happens when you tare at a Breeder. "Bet you're afraid it'll be stronger than you. You're afraid it'll beat you up." "N-n-n-n-no we're not!" Glicky protested. Glicky and Smepherdon were not Breeder-orcs. They had no desire to be. They were simple-minded ironsmiths, working hard to make weaponry for the great army of Mordor. It was their fatal mistake that they wandered past the Breeders on hatching day.  
  
Saruman the White approached. He smiled, nodded to Glicky and Smepherdon to hatch the first of his army. Smepherdon swallowed hard and Glicky sighed. They scrabble to the egg, swishing mud off of the.... Thing. The grabbed at the thin, plasticy substance that encased the Monster. Smepherdon looked up as he tore at it, turned to Saruman.  
  
"Master, why does the Army hatch from.... Saran Wrap?"  
  
These were his last words.  
  
The Nazgul ripped through his shell and grabbed his two nursemaids by the throat, growling gloriously through their slow, hideously painful demise.  
  
Saruman grinned and let a small laugh ring from his lips. Then they were almost ready. 'By the time the Fellowship arrives, they will be ready,' he thought, 'Waiting for them with death and destruction and pain. And tea. Wait.... tea?'  
  
"Master," one of the orcs stumbled up to him, extending a cup and saucer, "You tea his ready."  
  
Saruman took the tea, threw back his head and laughed.  
  
"When they arrive they will all die!" With that, he raised the cup to his lips and sipped. Wickedly sipped.  
  
A/N: Yeah so I tend to have a sort of twisted sense of humor. This chapter was sorta darkly funny. But hey, what do you think the Two Towers parody's gonna be like??? I await your reviews/flames/praise. Love and chocolate!!! 


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